


Etched

by resistvncepilot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/F, M/M, Mostly Stormpilot, Side Reyva, references to self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 04:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5813818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/resistvncepilot/pseuds/resistvncepilot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe Dameron is born without a soulmate.<br/>(Based on the soulmate AU: Your soulmate's name is tattooed on your arm)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Etched

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy :)
> 
> Edit 1/4/2018 -- I've been revisiting my old fics and decided to spruce this one up. In my opinion, it is now considerably better. It's also about 1k words longer.

“Everyone, I want you to roll up your sleeves for a moment, and take a look at your wrist. What do you see? A name, perhaps?”

A young Poe Dameron rolled up his right sleeve, like he saw Jess do. “What does yours say, Poe?” she asked him, her beam extending across her face, conspicuously lacking a front tooth, which she'd proudly lost only a week earlier. She offered her own wrist. “Mine says Rey! You know whatever it says, that’s the name of your soulmate, right?” Poe stared at his own bare wrists and his smile faltered a bit as he nodded quietly.

“Mine says... Finn,” he lied, using the first name to come to mind and mustering his strength to sit up a little straighter. He pushed down his sleeves as Jess continued cooing about how prettily the name was written. He wondered if there was a little girl out there somewhere whose heart was racing because she found the name "Jessika" on her arm.

A slightly more sickening thought entered his mind then- if perhaps, someone was out there, named Finn, or anything, who had Poe’s names etched into their wrists, and there was something wrong with him. The teacher went on to explain soulmates, how everyone had one.

The pit in his stomach grew.

A few years of wearing long sleeves and jackets brought odd stares, awkward excuses, and mounting humiliation.

“I’m just cold,” he would assure Jess whenever she pressed the issue. She cornered him one afternoon, in the halls of the senior training facility, an unreadable expressiong on her face.

“Poe Dameron," she began, "Show me your wrists, damn it." She swept forward, attempting to grab one of his arms, her fingers reaching for his sleeves. He reeled back, yanking his arms away and holding them protectively against his chest.

“Why?” he asked, moving to hold his hands as high above his head as possible, jumping away from her to keep her when she leapt up to pull them down. After several attempts, Jess' mouth dipped into a frown, and she backed against the opposite wall, her dark eyes slowly welling with tears.

“Is it me?” she asked him quietly, folding her arms against her chest and letting her shoulders sink. “Is this my fault? Did I not do enough?” Tears were steadily streaming down her cheeks now as she held her head in her hands, elbows resting on her knees. "Why do you do it?" she asked, her voice breaking. Then, angrier, "why won't you at least  _talk_ to me about it? Aren't we supposed to be friends?"

“What are you talking about?” he fired back, panic shooting through him.

“Oh come on Poe, everyone knows it. Constantly hiding your wrists, wearing long sleeves even when it’s warm, never imagining what you’re soulmate will look like or the handwriting...” Poe swallowed, adrenaline coursing through his veins. _Everyone knew? What did they think?_

“Listen, Jess... I can’t explain, I just...”

“No, damnit! I mean, I was trying to let you come to me about it, but I can’t just stand by and watch. I’m your best friend, right? I just want to know why you’re doing this to yourself. You owe me that.” She stared up at him expectantly, her expression blank and betraying nothing. Her eyes were still red from crying, but she looked utterly defeated.

“Doing what to myself?” He asked in response, his brow furrowed.

“God, don’t make me say it,” she replied, her eyes shifting down. “You know... hurting. Yourself. Cutting.” She said the last word in a low tone, like the word itself pained her to say.

Poe's eyes widened and he furiously shook his head. “Force, Jess, no! I would never! I..." He swallowed. "Here, look for yourself.” He lowered his arms, slowly rolling up his left sleeve, and then his right. His forearms and wrists were clean, absent of anything.

Including a name.

Jess looked visibly relieved. She sniffed. And then, she looked confused. Like she knew something was still off, but she couldn't quite place it

“The reason I cover up is because... I don’t have a name. Anywhere. It’s not even in some arbitrary place. I’m just... alone. Forever.”  _Forever_ hung between them, heavy and tense. Jess' face fell; and then Poe felt a single tear slip from his eye, and then another, and suddenly tears were streaming silently down his face, and he couldn't stop it. She stepped forward and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Oh Poe, I’m so sorry,” she consolidated, rubbing his back. “You’re not alone. You'll never be alone, silly. I’m here, and maybe we’re not soulmates, or lovers, or anything close to either, but you’re still my best friend. This doesn’t change that. Nothing changes that.”

They stayed hugging a little while longer in the hall, until a droid came whizzing down the and beeped at them to return to their class or receive a penalty. Jess gave him a final squeeze before pulling away and patting him on the shoulder. "You'll be alright, Dameron."

Poe paced back and forth later, across the kitchen, while his mother was cooking something from their home planet.

“Mom, there’s... something I think I should tell you.” He said, stopping and leaning against the counter, playing with his thumbs and finding it incredibly difficult to maintain eye contact with his mother as each second passed.

“What is it?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. "Not about to tell me you and that Jess girl are dating, right? You know how I feel about casual relationships that disregard your soulmate. If you form attachments of that kind outside of your destiny it always ends up badly."

"What? No. No, Jess and I aren't dating." He chuckled dryly. "You'd be hard pressed to get her to stop talking about her soulmate, ha, and besides, she's not really my type, if you get what I mean." His mother smiled. He cleared his throat. “What I uh... wanted to tell you, mom, is that I don’t have a soulmate.”

“Don’t have a soulmate,” she repeated, her smile dissolving, replaced with a blank, cold stare. “That's not funny, Poe. Of course you have a soulmate. Right there, on your arm.”

Setting his jaw, Poe extended his right arm and pulled up his sleeve. "No, I don't. I don't have a soulmate."

“Look, I don’t know why, I just thought, since I’m going off to college... I mean, you’d have to find out eventually," he continued. "But hey, hey, it’s not all bad," he said, sensing her getting angrier. "Jess and I are still close, and you always promise that you’ll love me no matter w-”

“Poe Diego Dameron,” his mother said firmly, in a tone that made Poe feel small despite being a foot taller than her. “You must have a soulmate. That’s just how it works! You don't just... _not_ have one." She searched his face, but he just stared at the ground. "If..." she began, swallowing, pressing her fingers to the bridge of her nose. "If this isn’t a joke, Poe, then I can't keep you here. I can't keep supporting you. I just- I can’t.”

“Mom,” he pleaded, feeling like he'd been kicked.

“Poe... this isn't normal."

“I’ve _never_ been normal!" he protested. "The only difference is that you know now! I'm still the same person.”

“Because what will your father say?" she snapped. "What will everyone else say? Somehow, Poe, this will come back to me. This will be my failure. I can’t sacrifice so much for some... some... _defective_ son.” Poe's stomach twisted.

She may have well just stabbed him and saved some trouble. It might’ve even been less painful.

“I want you gone in an hour, Poe,” she continued. "I... I'll miss you."

He was out the door and on his way to Jess' ten minutes later, a small duffel bag filled his most important possessions slung over his shoulder. His mother didn't say a word to him as he stormed out the door, and as one of his neighbors waved to him, he felt sick again, wondering how they would treat him if they knew the truth.

“Jess, I’m leaving,” he announced as soon as she slid open door for him. "Like, forever. Off to bigger and better things, I guess." She looked perplexed for a moment, before nodding.

“Alright, I’ll bite. Why, exactly, is this something I’m just being told, right as it is happening?”

“My mom kicked me out,” he answered quietly, trying to hold himself together. He had yet to cry, but he could feel tears behind his eyes, threatening to slip out. Her eyes widened instantly, her jaw slacking. Her brow furrowed and for a moment it seemed like she had a million things to say, but instead she just shook her head.

“No,” she finally said, after several moments of a stunned, heavy silence.

“I don’t really want to believe it either,” Poe admitted, feeling the pit in his stomach drop. “I shouldn’t have told her. Whoever has me would’ve found me eventually. We could both pretend to be normal, at least, and happy.”

“Poe, something has got to be wrong,” Jess said, shooting him a look. “Your mom constantly talks about loving and accepting people, no matter what. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t choose this, or ask for it! It just happened." He shrugged helplessly. "Well, then she doesn't deserve you anyway."

“And wherever you’re going, I’m coming with you,” she continued, spinning around and marching towards the stairs that led up to her room

“I can’t let you do that,” Poe argued after her. “You have your whole life ahead of you... I can’t let you just give that all up, and-”

“Where are you going?” She asked him, stopping halfway up the stairs with her eyes set on him.

“I-- to join the resistance, fight against the First Order. I think it’s something I might’ve done anyway, something I was thinking about, you know, and now... now I guess have a reason to.” Poe felt his eyes start to tear up again, and he rubbed at his eyes roughly. He took a deep breath, trying to reassure himself that things would work out okay.

It didn’t do much.

“Sounds exciting,” Jess told him, taking another step up the stairs and grinning. “I’ll pack. My parents really want me out on my own at this point anyway, now that we’re out of secondary school. They’ll be grateful.”

“Jess,” Poe said in a warning tone, shaking his head. Her expression went from playful to serious instantly, and she gave him a very stern stare.

“Listen to me, Dameron. There’s no one named Rey anywhere around here. Trust me, I've looked." She took a deep breath. "If I stayed, chances are I’d never find her. I’ll become a pilot, in the resistance, and travel the galaxy. I've always wanted to learn how to fly anyway. We could do it together, and the three of us can be like a family, sticking it to the man together. Living the high life.” She smiled at him again, and then dashed up the remaining stares, leaving Poe alone on the floor just inside the front door. Poe knew he could’ve left without her, but something kept him sitting there.

Knowing Jess, if he made a run for it, she'd just track him down and then lecture the hell out of him.

Besides, it was nice to think that he wouldn't have to be alone.

Together, the two of them met in secret with a bounty hunter working with the resistance, face masked in a brown leather hood and speech scrambler. They were welcomed into the forces with open arms, placed on the pilot track as requested.

He spent several years on adventures with Jess, climbing the ranks and exploring every corner of the galaxy. He was naturally the first choice for a mission to retrieve a piece of the map leading to Luke Skywalker from a source on Jakku.

Of course, it was hardly in the plan to get captured by the pet of the First Order himself and witness the slaughter of an entire village, people he knew _he_ endangered, helplessly from a transport ship.

On the ship, after Kylo Ren had stolen the information about BB-8, endangering the droid, his droid, the one he had hand-painted to match his uniform, Poe was having a difficult time imagining how things could possibly get worse. He was being dragged down the hall at gunpoint by a stormtrooper, probably to his death, and any sudden movement was sure to end his misery right then and there.

A sudden tug to the right startles him out of feeling sorry for himself, and the trooper removed his helmet.

“Why are you helping me?” He demands after the stormtrooper suggests that they break out together.

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” the trooper answered, his face straight and serious. Poe studied his features a moment, deciding that he was quite attractive without his helmet on. He smirked a bit, giving the trooper a once over.

“You need a pilot,” he countered, and the other sighed.

“I need a pilot,” he agreed, before smiling (very sweetly and innocently, which may have caught Poe off guard, had he not been preoccupied with the fact that his death was no longer certain) and pulling his helmet back on, proceeding to pretend to continue to cart Poe around at gunpoint, steering him now towards a hangar, where TIE fighters were kept.

Poe heard the trooper whispering to stay calm, and had to bite his lip to keep from smiling. He couldn’t place it, but there was definitely something about this guy.

It was quite the escape plan, really, minus the fact that they forgot to detach the tether. They got a few shots in, enough to escape, and blew up some of the blasters following them. As they were making their way back to Jakku, Poe asked the trooper his name, feeling giddy

“FN-2187,” he replied, voice barking like he was replying to an officer.

“FN- wait, what?” Poe glanced over his shoulder at him, wearing a confused expression.

“It’s the only name they ever gave me,” the trooper explained, sounding a bit uncomfortable on the subject. Poe rolled his eyes and resumed his focus on piloting the ship, avoiding the assaults launched at them.

“Yeah? Well, I ain’t using it,” he replied, and he could feelthe other man's smile. “FN, huh? FN..." He swallowed.  _Finn_ , his mind supplied. Damn it. "How about Finn?"

“Finn? Yeah, I like that! Finn,” the trooper- Finn, he corrected - agreed excitedly.

Much like getting captured, He hadn’t planned on a crash landing, or waking up, in the dead of night, cold and alone on a desert planet. He hadn’t been planning on stealing a ship, leaving the planet without Finn or his droid. And he certainly hadn’t planned finding a name perfectly etched into his wrist, a name of his creation, as he lay in bed.

He didn’t mean to cry, but when the first tear slipped out so did the second, and then the third, and then a steady stream down his cheeks. He thought about his mom for the first time in years, and thought about calling her, but decided not to. This was his moment of triumph.

Joy, though, was quickly replaced with realization.

He finally found what he so desperately wanted, only to have it brutally taken from him. He wondered for hours why the name had only just appeared, thinking back to that day at age six or seven when he had made up the name, how it had haunted him. How he had given it to Finn without a second thought, only to find once his true soulmate was gone a matter of hours after he had discovered his existence.

Even more crushing was the thought of Finn, who had been abducted and indoctrinated from birth, who had the courage, the _heart_ , to break away from the first order and all its wrongdoings, resistance alliance or not, and how he had his freedom robbed of him, his literal life snatched away.

Poe Dameron didn’t leave his room for a while after that.

The moment his eyes locked with _him_ once again on the resistance base was impossible to describe. As they sprinted towards one another, an incredible burst of joy and love in their eyes, as their arms wrapped around each other, Poe felt that he was truly home.

To his delight, Finn was there, wearing his jacket -- the jacket he lost in the crash. "That's my jacket," he said, heart hammering. Finn tried to apologized but Poe shook his head, grinning. "No, no. Keep it." Unable to help himself, he gave Finn a once-over, biting his lip. "It suits you." 

Poe was ready to give Finn every article of clothing in his damn wardrobe and tell him to keep it all too, because there was no way he'd ever look as good as Finn would in any of them.

“Um, hey, buddy?” he said after a few moments, when the initial excitement wore off, feeling his face flush. “This is kinda a weird question, but I guess you would already know too, right?” He looked up, his dark eyes pleading with Finn to take charge of the situation, but the man just looked confused.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you know... I spent my whole life without a name on my arm- I guess it’s because you never had a name... but after we met, and I gave you the name Finn... Well, I’m sure you can put two and two together, right?” He sheepishly rolled his sleeves up slightly, revealing the name. He hadn’t even told Jess about its appearance, too afraid that he would break down if he brought it up. Instead of seeing his eyes light up like he’d expected, however, Finn’s eyes broke their contact and cast downward, studying the floor intently.

“Poe, you seem like a really great guy- Hell, when I thought you were dead- I... I didn’t know what to do with myself. But stormtroopers, we don’t _have_ soulmates. At least, not ones that we ever find out about. The First Order- they strip us of all personal connections, all ties, including soulmates. No- especially soulmates. The one thing that just might be more important than their brainwashed loyalty."

Poe felt a familiar sinking feeling in his chest. It was much stronger than anything he’d ever experienced, much heavier, but he knew he’d felt it somewhere before.

“I’m so sorry,” Finn apologized, looking truly sorry. Like he might cry. “I really wish it were different.”

“That’s alright. Must’ve been some kind of mistake,” Poe answered, his voice sounding distant, trying desperately to keep his tone from breaking. He gave the best smile he could muster before turning away. He wouldn’t make Finn feel bad about something that wasn’t his fault. Poe just wasn’t meant to have a soulmate.

That was the way it always had been, after all.

He did get over it, eventually. He did it on his own, incapable of bringing himself to burden anyone else, even Jess. Finn left soon after, to retrieve someone- she might’ve been named Rey, which Poe remember smiling at, if only just a little bitterly, since he knew that Jess would find her own happiness soon.

They -- Finn, and Han Solo apparently, and his wookie, with the backup of the rest of the resistance -- were going to launch a full-scale attack on Starkiller base.

The mission was a resounding success. Poe looked into the General's eyes, when it was complete, and realized he recognized the expression. Han Solo had died; her soulmate, as it happened. Kylo Ren was left for dead by Rey, but he was still alive. He knew the General could feel that, even without the force. And even without the force, he could feel her absolute contempt, her sadness, her fury. He felt like he knew them.

Poe met Rey at dinner, excitedly introduced by Jess. "Isn't she beautiful?" She sighed to Poe over drinks later. "She's going to save the whole galaxy."

Rather than continuing the celebration, however, Poe found himself sitting next to a hospital bed after the dinner. Finn had been struck badly by Kylo, up the back by his lightsaber, and he was in a comatose. He let his eyes wander over the lines of Finn’s shoulders, the arc of his back, the curve of his sides, but looking wasn't enough. He wanted him alive and well, with Poe’s name on his wrist and their lips together.

A nurse came in several times, but it wasn’t until she came to change his clothing that Poe finally lost it, choking on tears.

There, across the small his back, tattooed in large letters,  _his_ handwriting, was _Poe Dameron_.

**Author's Note:**

> hhhh i promise that when Finn wakes up, Poe tells him about the mark and Finn says that it's just a lot to process and so they agree to take things slow and Poe is a romantic sap who brings his boyfriend flowers and snuggles with him while they watch cheesy animated movies on the couch and they fall in love.
> 
> check out my tumblr @leejordann


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